Incessant lying and you: A guide to achieving moderate success in Mythic+ dungeons

People often ask me how I’ve managed to get as far in Mythic+ dungeons as I have.

“Allison,” they say. “I need help. I’m tired of getting groups that disband as soon as something bad happens. I’m sick of depleting keys. I spend hours in the Group Finder trying to get my +10 done for the week. There has to be a better way to do this.”

Well, yes. As reluctant as I am to share my techniques, the suffering in the Group Finder has touched my heart, and I have assembled a list of pointers for anyone who’s still struggling. Why should bad things happen to you when you can be the bad thing that happens to everyone else?

Most people in M+ improve their Raider.io scores through a combination of elbow grease, advancing gear, and making friends with other players. You are welcome to pursue this strategy, but I find a can-do attitude and a complete lack of scruples to be a more reliable path to success.

Regrettably, it is not possible to weasel your way to Keystone Conqueror/Keystone Master quickly by playing whatever you want.

• DPS: I do not recommend this. DPS are so expendable that group leaders would substitute them for toilet paper if game mechanics permitted.
• Healers: This is also a poor choice. Healing is a deeply undesirable role as even the most unobservant players tend to notice when they die. Criticism can be dodged for some time as most players do take avoidable damage in M+, but someone will eventually realize that you are being outhealed by Azerite traits, healthstones, and noncombat pets.
• Tanks: This is the preferred role for backstabbing your way to the top. As a tank, you are a fox and the Group Finder is a henhouse populated by asthmatic chickens. Players will overlook poor gear, baffling talent choices, total incompetence, and violent criminal history if it means getting a run off the ground. Better yet, most groups also default the lead role to tanks. While this allows you to mark priority targets and perform countdowns before bosses, it also makes it impossible for them to kick you.

“But Allison,” you say. “Doesn’t playing a tank mean you have to know the routes and take responsibility for the outcome?”

Ha ha!

No.

Play a non-meta class.

I would recommend specs like the Vengeance Demon Hunter, Guardian Druid, or (post-season one) Blood Death Knight. Most players abandoned these specs early in the expansion and now no one is entirely sure what they do. Questions might be asked of a Protection Warrior who gets one-shot in a +2 key, but a Vengeance DH’s death can be shrugged off as an example of Blizzard’s inability to balance classes. Can the Guardian Druid survive a boss on Tyrannical? Does the Blood DK even have cooldowns anymore after dark reports of a nerf? Nobody knows.

You: Sorry about that, bears don’t have an interrupt

Priest: That’s weird, I thought all the tank specs –

You: (pulls)

Nurture early trust.

Engage in reassuring banter as the group travels to the instance. Comment on the week’s affixes in a weary fashion. Ask for a summon so you have time to check the route. The group will assume that you are serious about giving them your best performance. In the meantime, go make a sandwich. You can’t give them your best performance without adequate nutrition.

Mage: Tank you there?

You: (mouth full) Yeah sorry MDT’s kinda buggy today

Mage: Oh okay

Always have a plausible reason for underperformance.

The following are among the most reliable:

• Only join groups led by people on distant servers. For example, if you play on a North American server, only join Oceanic groups and vice versa. 400 ms latency is an excellent all-purpose excuse for ugly death.
• Express surprise when summoned. Say “Whoa! Sorry, I thought this was a run for (any dungeon other than the one you’re presently at). I haven’t seen the route for this week, so I’m just gonna wing it.”
• Invent a series of buggy add-ons that: a). render your character incapable of performing even the most basic actions, and: b). invariably disagree with reports issued by other players. (“I’m seeing 37 interrupts on my meters; I don’t know what’s wrong with yours.”)
• Express irritation at racial/faction balance in m+. If you are playing Horde, complain about your faction’s lack of Shadowmeld. If you are playing Alliance, complain about not being a Night Elf. If you are playing a Night Elf, complain that Shadowmeld is down. If you are playing a Night Elf Rogue or Druid, reroll immediately.

Use frequent buzzwords to confuse and disorient.

Most people are only vaguely aware of what developer and game mechanic terms actually mean. Don’t worry – you don’t need to know what they mean either.

You: Okay, the coefficient wipes the aggro table so be ready to pre-pot.

Paladin: I don’t get it

You: AND YOU NEVER WILL (pulls)

In the event of a wipe, make a big deal of checking nonexistent logs.

Many players upload logs after M+ and raid runs to sites that allow them to identify errors and improve their performance. This is not behavior you should emulate as it requires work. However, during the fights that inevitably start after a wipe, state ominously that you are “checking the logs.” Make a show of abandoning this effort early because the clock is ticking and as the tank you have better things to do.

Pull like a ferret on meth.

No one can type complaints in chat if a screaming pack of mobs is always descending on the group. Some affixes make this difficult, but all M+ runs are a team effort. Your job is to create problems; it is the DPS and healer’s job to solve them.

You: Okay, we’re gonna chain-pull to the first boss so keep up.

Rogue: But it’s Bolstering week

You: Oh I’m sorry I thought we lived in a democracy

Warlock: wait what

You: (pulls)

If you are unsure of the proper route, proceed in the direction of the nearest mob pack and hope for the best. Note: This does not work in Atal’Dazar, Waycrest, Freehold, Temple, Mechagon, Shrine, Motherlode, Siege, Underrot, or Tol Dagor.

You should be fine in Kings’ Rest, though.

Don’t put up with crap.

Requests from your DPS and healers will almost invariably be time-wasting nonsense. Don’t tolerate disrespectful treatment from people who keep whining about “cooldowns” and “mana.”

DH: Can you do a countdown please

You: Why

DH: So I can cast Metamorphosis right before we start the key

You: Can’t you guess

DH: I can’t read your mind

You: Don’t make me check the logs, scrub

Don’t give up.

I understand that much of this advice will require practice, but with perseverance and a little luck, eventually anyone can be carried to the seasonal M+ achievements. Remember, folks: Momma might have raised a narcissistic waste of space, but she ain’t raised no casual.