The Queue: When the headcanon overwhelms you

Yesterday was Dragon Age day, that magical day when a massive megacorporation (Electronic Arts) tells one of its subsidiaries (Bioware) to release a standalone character creator so that you can use the latest video game assets to make a portrait of your D&D character.

Also they released a free transmog appearance of Hawke’s armor from Dragon Age 2 and if you think I immediately went overboard coming up with headcanon for why my Rook is in fact Hawke, returned from the Fade after choosing to sacrifice myself to defeat a demon in Dragon Age: Inquisition and oh, yeah, I’m an Elf now for no good reason whatsoever because the Fade is weird and I was stuck there for ten freaking years? You’re lucky I didn’t come back a Qunari.

I will be coming back a Qunari in my next playthrough.

Look, my life is literally hearing words like terminal and cancer bandied about by doctors, let me have my headcanon that Hawke’s ghost is riding around inside this elf girl because Varric needed help with this Solas jerk. They even put the Blood Swipe in the game via the paint feature. 

There is no universe where I don’t see that and immediately start assuming Rook is just Hawke with Varric coming up with a cover story and constantly reminding me of my past because I have no idea who this Rook person is and I need him to remind me ala that one Simpson’s episode.

Did I just find your Etsy account, Arthonos?

I say, be the change you want to see in the world. You can’t just wait for shirtless Warcraft faction leader calendars to happen, you’ve got to make them happen.

But seriously don’t get sued, I’m pretty sure Microsoft can afford some seriously vicious lawyers.

TIL that I will take any reason, even the flimsiest possible excuse, to link to this video of a fireworks show where the computer was mistakenly programmed to fire all 7000+ fireworks at the exact same time.

Literally any reason whatsoever.

I’m also blatantly terrified of the people who were clapping and cheering while that happens right in front of them. That’s like clapping and cheering while someone cracks open the ancient seals on R’yleh. While I know some people would do.

Give me one hour on a podcast with free reign and I’ll prove it already does make sense.

I accept your Jaina idea.

Varian is absolutely not a jock. He’s a rich kid whose parents are dead. He’s wandering around at night in a disguise looking for their killer and fighting monsters and brigands as he does, he’s basically Batman. He doesn’t have time to be on the football team, and he very deliberately wouldn’t do anything to draw suspicion to himself, so he’s basically that  one dark and brooding guy who ends up played by some dude with astonishing cheekbones. You know the kind.

Garrosh in High School? He’s not a jock either. He’s a self hating, self harming kid with anger issues because his dad died after some really awful stuff went down. He has no idea that his dad is seen as a hero for turning his back on and the dying fighting the very same things that Garrosh thinks he was a stooge for.

Garrosh and Varian do absolutely hate each other, though. But Varian hates Garrosh in his secret identity while Garrosh hates him publicly at school.

Arthas? He’s absolutely on the football team, and he’s also on the baseball team, and he’s also on the wrestling team, and he’s fighting his insecurity and imposter syndrome and failing. He and Jaina are childhood sweethearts but Arthas can never overcome his insecurity and just ask her out already, plus he suspects she’s got a crush on Varian. She does not. She knows who he is, as another child of rich and powerful people/outright royalty, but they don’t talk much.

Thrall is a baby. Seriously, he’s a baby. He’s being raised by the really creepy PE teacher, Blackmoore.

I’m cool with your other picks, as long as we get Malfurion and Illidan as the hot identical twins who are both fighting over Tyrande while she herself has no idea either of them like her romantically and thinks they’re both her two best friends. Mal can’t make himself tell her, and Illidan is so freaking bad at it that he actively convinces her over and over again every week that he’s into Maiev, that weird girl who takes being a hall monitor very seriously.

Well, Baldur’s Gate 3 for that exact reason, I want to go Giant Barb.

I’m playing Veilguard pretty much every time I’m not crushed by despair and the fear of losing my life partner to stupid out of control cell division, but I want to play it on PC and can’t afford it. (I mean, we just dumped seven thousand dollars we don’t have on a new furnace, money isn’t just tight, it’s shrink wrapped) I’m likewise going to wait on Avowed when it comes out, just because of money constraints. Less waiting for the games to get a future update and more waiting for my life to get one.

Honestly this game is literally keeping me from exploding into the Anxiety Attack equivalent of Krypton.

Thank you to everyone. Take care.