The Queue: I don’t like Humans

Phil made a passionate defense of Humans in fantasy yesterday, and it’s a good read.

I. however, utterly disagree with it, almost viscerally so.

First up, the tropey stuff he mentioned for Elves and other fantasy races? All true. But he forgot to mention how Humans always seem to be able to just wander into every fantasy setting and immediately dominate it despite that making absolutely no sense. The trope of Humans just being so special and instantly able to demand a seat at the big table — heck, often the big table is mostly Humans, despite the fact that Elves, Dwarves and others can live for hundreds or thousands of years and have access to magic and resources that should make them major powers.

I mean, there are so many tropes for Humans they get a special trope index on TV Tropes.

Secondly, I am Human. I am a Human surrounded by Humans in a world where every co worker, close friend, and romantic partner has been Human. My mom and dad were Humans. It’s not that I find Humans boring, it’s more than if I want to experience what it’s like to be one, I can just exist. Being an Elf or a talking cat person requires more effort, and that is more fun for me.

If y’all like playing Humans, cool, I’m totally supportive of that. I just like to switch it up for myself in my games. Plus Night Elves look cool.

I mean, you had to know I was Human this whole time, Red.

So, uh, does anyone have a spare CE they want to donate? Cause yeah, not happening.

I find it hilarious that in order to fight Arachnophobia they’ve made a mode that triggers my Kabourophobia, but since I can toggle it and just see normal unscary spiders I’m happy it’s there. Still, seeing all those crabs pop in made me sick, not gonna lie.

I don’t know if that super expensive price point on the CE is actually a nerf to Humans…

Oh, wait, you mean in the game. Let’s face it, Diplomacy has been both bustedly good and completely bland this entire time. If it ends up gone I’d be quite happy.

I admit, that feels like a good idea to me. You still have to level your first character the normal way, but once you’ve done that, there’s diminishing returns for having players do it again and again. Frankly I think this could be a really good move.

Back in 2016, I proposed that Blizzard should put Anduin Lothar’s secret daughter into the game.

Eight years later, they’re finally doing it. If I find out otherwise I’m going to be depressed AF.

Seriously, I can’t think of anything here.

We have zones that would probably just smell like places I’ve actually been, like how Grizzly Hills probably smells like Jasper or Banff (complete with Bear smells) and then places like Argus which is all Fel and Void stuff everywhere, I have no idea what that smells like. Dalaran probably smells okay up top but the sewers don’t look great. Any Scourge or Forsaken zone is right out, Stormwind has a big harbor so it probably gets that fishy low tide smell, Ironforge is an underground city with literal magma they’re using to smelt metal so it’s most likely got a lot of sulfurous discharges in the air, Gnomeregan is full of radioactive Troggs, Feralas has Ogre poop just lying on the ground.

Like, NGL, I think Azeroth as a whole smells just awful and picking out a z0ne and saying it smells good feels like like pushing that ol’ Sisyphus rock uphill, as soon as I get close I immediately think of something in that zone that would smell bad. Bastion? They have flying big cats, and big cats are notorious for how awful their  poop smells. Heck, Azeroth in general is absolutely full of gigantic wild predators who would be leaving huge, steaming piles of carnivore dung everywhere and that stuff reeks.

I feel like I’m getting sidetracked here but man, seriously, zookeepers can tell you some horror stories.

Okay, well, that’s a heck of a note to end the Queue on. I guess I could try and segue into how Humans are the Lion Poop of playable fantasy races, but that feels kind of forced.

Anyway, take care, have a good week, we’ll see you soon hopefully.